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Here’s a poem I wrote months ago when I was experiencing a lot of pain.
This life
It gives and it takes
I love it, I hate it
I want to live forever
I want to die immediately
I'm laughing, I'm crying
I'm joking, I'm serious
This life
It gives and it takes
Just wait
The thing about pain and happiness is that while it feels great to be really happy, being in enough pain can kill you.
It’s like happiness has a limit. While sadness can quite literally end you.
My father died recently and it occurred to me why some people could feel very justified in saying that life has too much suffering and that it’d be better if there were nothing.
I have to admit I felt the same way.
I thought to myself, “how could anyone ever justify this much pain?”
There’s a growing segment of the human population that think life, especially human life, is wrong to continue. And bringing a baby into this world is just subjecting them to the inherent suffering of life.
I understood what they meant for the first time.
But then I thought about it more. Not about myself or my pain. But about everyone who had come before me.
Everyone who had lost someone they loved and suffered greatly. Mostly I thought about our early human ancestors.
We know how difficult early humans had it.
Like the life of this teenage girl from 12,000 years ago, whose injuries show a life of immense hardship:
The bones show that the girl, whom researchers nicknamed Naia, is likely to have travelled long distances on foot, but didn’t carry much on her journeys. The skeleton also reveals that Naia experienced severe and repeated nutritional stress that scarred her bones and teeth.
Early humans weren’t brutes. Going back at least 100 thousand years they were anatomically identical to us.
They felt love, anger, happiness, jealousy, and pain—only they didn't have TikTok where they could bitch about it.
But they felt everything we feel and their lives were extremely…extremely difficult.
They knew more about death and suffering than we can imagine.
As early as 800 years ago painful human suffering was common even among the wealthiest people.
Consider this excerpt from the book Sapiens by Yuval Noah Harari:
A good example is the family of King Edward I of England (1237–1307) and his wife, Queen Eleanor (1241–90). Their children enjoyed the best conditions and the most nurturing surroundings that could be provided in medieval Europe.
They lived in palaces, ate as much food as they liked, had plenty of warm clothing, well-stocked fireplaces, the cleanest water available, an army of servants and the best doctors.
The sources mention sixteen children that Queen Eleanor bore between 1255 and 1284:
1. An anonymous daughter, born in 1255, died at birth.
2. A daughter, Catherine, died either at age one or age three.
3. A daughter, Joan, died at six months.
4. A son, John, died at age five.
5. A son, Henry, died at age six.
6. A daughter, Eleanor, died at age twenty-nine.
7. An anonymous daughter died at five months.
8. A daughter, Joan, died at age thirty-five.
9. A son, Alphonso, died at age ten.
10. A daughter, Margaret, died at age fifty-eight.
11. A daughter, Berengeria, died at age two.
12. An anonymous daughter died shortly after birth.
13. A daughter, Mary, died at age fifty-three.
14. An anonymous son died shortly after birth.
15. A daughter, Elizabeth, died at age thirty-four.
16. A son, Edward.
The youngest, Edward, was the first of the boys to survive the dangerous years of childhood, and at his fathers death he ascended the English throne as King Edward II.
In other words, it took Eleanor sixteen tries to carry out the most fundamental mission of an English queen – to provide her husband with a male heir.
Death is painful but at least you're not around after.
What hurts like a motherfucker is watching people you love die. That's a pain like no other.
Our ancestors weren’t idiots. They knew that life could be very painful. But the fact that you exist to read this now means they thought, probably at moments of genuine joy—hugging a loved one, seeing their children for the first time, laughing with friends, eating great food—that life with all its difficulties was worth it.
Life is worth continuing
The fact that you exist means that along the tree of life there’s been an unbroken line of procreation for more than 3 billion years that eventually led to you.
Your ancestors have survived wars, starvation, heartbreak, and disease to ensure your life today.
I understand now more than ever why someone can look at all the suffering and think it isn't worth the pain. Perhaps we'd all be better as inert space dust.
But I think our ancestors understood more about the basis of life than we do. I mean they had way less to distract them from it.
I think that they understood that life is important because the alternative is nothing.
No death, but also no birth.
No pain, but also no joy.
No one would ever hear a marvelous symphony by Mozart, a hit by Micheal Jackson or The Beatles or Nirvana…(insert favorite artist) and think “Nah, I prefer unending silence.“ or say “…these people died so what was the point?“
Or compare the Amazon rain forest—a continuing cycle of life and death.
With the uniform deserts of Mars—sterilized from all life.
I genuinely think you'd have to be crazy to think Mars is better than the Amazon.
So what do we do about the sometimes unbearable suffering of life?
I say make it bearable.
Take it with good stride as your ancestors did for eons. And counter that pain by purposely living a life so filled with pure moments of joy that you'd make your ancestors shake their heads in envy—as if to say “Damn…these guys got it good.“
Sooner or later this life is gonna gut punch you—Hard. Counter It.
Consciously make every moment before and after that punch AMAZING.
This is how you win in life. It's how we win.
To end with a quote from Vision of The Avengers on human mortality:
“…a thing is not beautiful because it lasts.“
Sayonara Oto-san.
Thank you for reading.
Until next time friend. ✌
P.S.
Joseph Campell’s series on Myths helped me come to acceptance by understanding the role of death across different human cultures.
Sending my love Lenny.
These moments of our lives are the toughest we'll face, but like with any storm with enough time it will pass. Grip to the wheel of life and search for the gift from the experience that will eventually reveal itself. For when we look back and find that our suffering had a point, it becomes bearable. Victor Frankl said it best... "A man with a strong enough why can bear almost any how".
If you think a book might be useful, Matt Haig's Reasons to Stay Alive helped me through some of my darkest moments. Here's a quote that is printed on the insides of my eyelids "Wherever you are, at any moment, try and find something beautiful. A face, a line out of a poem, the clouds out of a window, some graffiti, a wind farm. Beauty cleans the mind."
Here if you ever want a chat ❤
I am so sorry for your loss, Lenny. By now you’ve developed some coping skills & perhaps feel a Little better. But we never get over the loss of a parent. But calling into memory some lovely times together, cherishing those memories and even sharing some stories to close friends can help a little to cope with the loss. And you already looked at the history and scheme of things to help know we are not alone in our loss. Acknowledging each individual specialness is a tribute & honor to our loved ones and their time on this earth as they did good deeds and loved us back. And now likely wishing you peace from above. 🙏🏽☮️🥰Blessings to you.