Don't Waste It

Suicide by Awesomeness

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Some days I get very depressed. I become unhappy and over time I’ve learned to just let those days pass.

Very rarely, I get one of those, it’d be really nice to die right now, kind of depression.

Those are the ones that get me.

Reality becomes almost unbearable because my negative emotions stain everything.

It can last for weeks.

Over time I’ve learned a trick though.

It’s not only kept me alive but is probably the reason for a lot of the success I’ve had.

The trick is simple:

Rather than kill yourself.

Die for something.

When I was 18 I had one of the worst depressions ever. Back then I didn’t know where my life was heading.

I had no money, I’d spent two years writing a book that was rejected by every agent I sent it to, and I wasn’t sure about university.

It felt like the future I’d imagined living as a successful writer was a pipe dream. Everyone around me seemed okay with their life and they had ideas for how I should live mine.

I was lost. The future was dark.

I wanted to die so the confusion could end.

But I couldn’t kill myself and so I wished fate would do it for me. A drunk in a car, a bolt of lightning, maybe someone unlucky enough to try to rob my broke ass with a gun.

As the thought of not wanting to exist became stronger and stronger. I entered a crisis that led to an insight.

The moment of change

Walking one day I realised that the main cause of my depression was simply that I didn’t like the life I was living. The uncertainty of the future was causing too much pain.

I realised that day that since I didn’t like my life, I could change it.

Life is like a game.

You’re spawned, your parents and society give you objectives, and you tick each item off their list.

But that day it occurred to me that if life is a video game then it’s more like Grand Theft Auto than Call of Duty.

In Grand Theft Auto you have missions set by the game developers. But you can choose to abandon it and do whatever you want.

It came to me that the answer to my depression wasn’t death which is simply quitting the game.

The answer lay in choosing my own objectives.

To survive I had to abandon the to-do list set by my parents & society.

I had to play the game my way.

And when life got really bad all I had to do was find one thing in the world that motivated me to look towards the future and do that no matter how hard it was.

Even if doing it could kill me.

Because when you’ve reached my level of depression. The thing you’re most afraid of is not physical pain or death.

It’s living with emotional pain through the uncertainty that is the future.

When you’re depressed the most difficult thing to do is realising that the pain will pass. That most likely there’s a future where you’re happy.

So I came up with a rule.

That no matter how hard life got. No matter how difficult the days get.

And I’m talking about soul-crushing heartbreaks, death in the family, asteroids raining down on earth, the end of civilization itself—doesn’t FUCKING matter.

I won’t quit the game.

I either die achieving my objectives or get kicked out by the simulation mods for being too awesome.

I get sad whenever I hear someone has committed suicide. I think to myself, “there’s someone who was overwhelmed”.

People who commit suicide have my sympathy.

But dying is easy.

Everyone dies. Not everyone really lives though.

Those who live for something have my respect.

Rather than kill yourself go be/do anything you want: a forest fireman, free climb a mountain, grow mushrooms in Mexico, fight ISIS, skydive from space.

Do something outrageous and amazing. And be great at it.

Abandon the to-do list society gave you.

Find something spectacular you can die for.

Hold on to it and it’ll keep you around on the worst days.

Because when you have something you can die for. By default, you have something to live for.

If you’ve ever been depressed. If you’ve ever thought about ending your life.

I say, DON’T WASTE IT.

Choose Suicide By AWESOMENESS!!!

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P.S. some spectacular human beings who embody Suicide By Awesomeness and have my undying respect:

Chris Nikic has Down Syndrome and completed an Ironman triathlon

David Goggins ran ultra marathons with a hole in his heart

Jon Morrow is paralyzed and started a million-dollar business writing with his tongue

Alex Honnold climbs mountains without ropes or safety equipment

Guillaume Néry does deep underwater diving without oxygen tanks.

Felix Baumgartner skydiving from Space.

P.P.S I wrote this listening to my Russian Rock playlist ✌